how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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