When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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