dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
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I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
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like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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