toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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