you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
