you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
