Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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