Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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