Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
