fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
