My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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