During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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