saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
