It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
