Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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