My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
