He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
