i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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