I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize