I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
