You don't have asthma, your pregnant
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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