there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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