god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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