You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
