I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Your cock deserves a montage
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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