I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize