So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
