I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
