hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
