the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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