I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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