i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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