u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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