We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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