Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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