I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
