I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
