I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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