First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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