This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
