i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
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I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
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I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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