i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
