I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
