anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
