anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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