My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
