I could make wine with my vomit
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
