Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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