You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
