i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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