I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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