i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
