don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
