It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
