you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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