She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
