My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
