so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
