shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
