we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This baby is an asshole
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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