This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I will be naked everywhere
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
