I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
