we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
