I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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